To the Mom Who Feels Mediocre

It’s been a tough week. I’m still adjusting to having three kids, and most days I feel like an extremely mediocre mom. I really don’t feel like I’m thriving right now. Everything I accomplish during the day is done just well enough to get by. As moms, we have to be Jacks of all trades, wearing multiple hats at a time and juggling a myriad of responsibilities at once. I’ve always been deeply motivated to excel, so when I feel like excellence isn’t obtainable I get very discouraged. I don’t like being a master of nothing. I want to be good at what I do. And more than anything, I want to be good at motherhood. 

In my head that means checking everything off my to-do list, being fully engaged with all my children, living in and enjoying the moment, maintaining a beautiful (and clean) home, feeding everyone healthy meals, and looking like a put-together adult human being while doing it all. It shouldn’t come as a shock to anyone that my days look nothing like that. More often than not, I’m distracted, short-tempered, dirty, stepping over toys, ignoring crumbs on the floor and sticky fingerprints on every surface, and just trying to survive until bedtime. After a while that starts to weigh on me, and I wonder—is this all there is? How can I learn to thrive in this environment? I’m barely treading water right now, but these precious moments with my little children will never come again and I feel like I’m letting them slip through my ungrateful fingers. How can I hold on a little tighter and live a little more purposefully? 

To be honest, I don’t have any solutions to those questions. But today, while nursing my baby, propping a book open with my big toe so I could read a book about building better habits, I realized that I’m probably doing more (and doing better) than I think I am. No, I’m not the mom, the woman, or the person I want to be all (or maybe even most) of the time. I fall short often. But I keep three tiny people alive every day! I meet their mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. I wipe tears and noses and bums. I feed them a gazillion times a day. I read to them, I play with them. I dress them, undress them, dress them again, and then take the clothes they just ruined to the garage to start yet another load of laundry. And while most days those things feel repetitive and unimportant, they are the things that build a life. In my case, I’m building the foundations of three lives. And when my children are old enough and capable, they’ll build on the foundations I started for them, creating beautiful, meaningful lives for themselves and then (hopefully) starting the process over again for the next generation.

As this thought struck me, I took a second to snap a picture and capture the crazy balancing act that is motherhood in one imperfect photo. I’m trying to meet everyone’s needs, including my own. Obviously I’m not going to do so flawlessly. Or maybe even well. But I’m doing it. I’m trying my best. And what seems mediocre today may just lead to something extraordinary down the road. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9). 

If this is how God designed motherhood—and I truly believe He did design it, and purposefully—then clearly there is something higher and holier to all of this than what I can see. The repetition, the frustration, the exhaustion, the messiness…I wouldn’t pick them if I had the choice to do it some other way. But God asks me to do it this way, which means there must be something holy about those seemingly simple things. “By small and simple things are great things brought to pass,” (Alma 37:6), so I’ll keep doing the dozens of little things and trust that my mediocrity is acceptable to God. Because He knows my heart. He knows my struggle. And He knows how badly I want to be good at this. For now, that’s enough. 

So, Mama, if you’re feeling mediocre right now, here’s a few important things to remember:

1. You do so much more than you think you do. You work hard all day, even if you never see the evidence of it because whatever you do gets undone moments later. And even if all you think you do is feed children and clean up after the mess, that’s still a huge thing! Keeping kids healthy and happy is not a small task, even if it’s the “only” thing you do all day. There really is nothing more important than that, so be proud of the fact that you do it!
2. Your worth is not defined by the length of your to-do list or the number of tasks you accomplish in a day. When my oldest was born, I’d get so down on myself for not accomplishing everything I wanted to get done in a day. I honestly felt like my worth was tied to my to-do list; on the days I got a lot done I felt good about myself, but on the days I spent the whole day nursing a teething baby (instead of accomplishing tasks) I felt like a failure. Which obviously is nonsense to me now. It took a while to realize I was doing this, and a lot longer to overcome the habit of viewing my life in such a stark, black-and-white, unrealistic standard. By the time I was nursing my second teething baby, I started to cherish those moments as times when my child truly needed me, which was a much healthier (and more accurate) attitude to take.
3. Comparison can be destructive. You’ve heard this a thousand times, but social media is a highlight reel, and someone else’s highlights should not be compared to your mundane. A lot of moms on Instagram seem to have these glamorous lives; kids who wear expensive, white clothes that never stain; homes that are always spotlessly clean; all the time in the world to exercise and all the money to eat healthy, organic foods; and hair, faces, and nails that are curled, made-up, and painted to perfection. Remember that whatever you are seeing is only part of the picture. You’re not seeing the maid who comes and cleans twice a week, or the nights these mamas stay up until 3 AM to work their businesses, or the fact that their kids go to daycare for part of the day. You’re doing the best you can with the resources and time you have. So don’t compare your apples to someone else’s oranges. Or even your half a dozen apples to someone else’s two dozen apples. You make the most of your half dozen. That’s all you can do.
4. Your kids love you, are proud of you, and don’t want you to be anyone else but you. It’s hard to remember this when your child is throwing their fifteenth tantrum of the day. If they loved you as you are, wouldn’t they be happier? That is a dangerous trap to fall into. Your kids are human beings with emotions and struggles and personalities. And–let’s face it–only partially developed brains. Let them be human. Let them make mistakes. And don’t take it personally. Your kids aren’t trying to make your life hard. You are their whole world, and that also makes you the first target when things don’t go their way. But they desperately need you, and whether they know how to show it or not, they love you like crazy for being there for them.

Motherhood is hard. Crazy, stupid hard. Some days I’m crazy, stupid tough and do all the things and feel like a superwoman. But even on the days when my house is a mess, I am a mess, my kids are a mess, and I basically just survived by sheer, dumb luck, I am still regular amounts of tough. Because you have to be tough to take motherhood on. So cut yourself some slack, Mama. You’re doing good things.

❤ Katelyn