No Plan Survives First Contact With the Army

If there’s one thing everyone knows about the life of a military spouse, it’s that we deal with an abnormal amount of uncertainty day to day. Sure, lots of professions deal with fluctuating work schedules and being called into work last minute (in fact, lots of careers experience way more of this kind of chaos than even the military does—here’s looking at you, medical professionals). But few people can say that they rarely expect what their boss says will happen to happen. Particularly when, where, and how they say it will happen. If you doubt the certainty of every date, training, assignment, etc. that your workplace announces, you’re probably in the military.

Let me give you some examples. Just in 2020 alone, Michael has been scheduled for a single training course FOUR TIMES. Each time it’s been cancelled and/or waived (because of Coronavirus), rescheduled, and then the process starts over again. In fact, the most recent time he was scheduled the course, it was cancelled just hours before he was scheduled to leave for the airport! In addition to the training course that would not die, he’s also been scheduled to go work at the US/Mexico border three different times this year. Just like with the training, the process would get rolling, something would go wrong (funding, scheduling conflicts, Coronavirus—are you sensing a theme yet?), and his TDY (Temporary Duty) would be cancelled. Then, a few weeks or months later, the process would start again. We also received orders to PCS (Permanent Change of Station) this November but doing so conflicted with Michael’s eligibility for a completely different course, so those orders ultimately got cancelled, too.

Phew! Remember, those are only the biggest examples of the Army’s idea of scheduling within just a 10-month period. Things like this happen on a smaller scale nearly every day while Michael is at work. Local trainings, field exercises, inventory layouts, shooting range practice—even something as basic as PT (Physical Training) goes through this same process of “Army planning.” Ideas get spouted off, dates get thrown around, promises get made, things get scheduled, and all of that changes within days, hours, even minutes sometimes. That’s just how the Army functions. Don’t ask me why. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why simple things have to be so complicated. But I do understand that this is the way it is. Any military spouse will tell you the same. There’s no direct route from Point A to Point B for government organizations. Most of the time you don’t even wind up at Point B at all. You somehow manage to find yourself at Point I¾ at the very last second, and because that’s where your orders say to go, that’s where you go.

Most people in the Army just learn to roll with this kind of craziness. Afterall, this happens to them all. the. time. If they don’t learn to shrug it off and move on, they’d go insane. But what about the husbands, wives, kids, and extended families involved in the mix? How do we deal with the constant uncertainty? Planning vacations, birthdays, holidays, visits to/from family, births, or just about any time-sensitive event is really difficult when the military is constantly changing its expectations for your spouse all the way up until the date you’re planning for.

I will be the first person to tell you that spoiled plans don’t roll off of me very quickly or easily. But after nearly five years in the Army, here are three key lessons I’ve learned to help handle the frustrations of ever-changing plans.

Communicate – I know lots of Army spouses who know very little about what goes on at work for their husband or wife. In fact, many Service Members won’t even bother telling their spouse about what is coming up until the last minute because they’re waiting to know exactly what’s going to happen before sharing the plan. While I can follow the logic behind this, it isn’t a particularly helpful method. Yes, you’ve spared your spouse the back and forth of all the planning, but now they’ve had a last-minute decision sprung on them without any preparation.

Something Michael does really well is keep me informed about work. I typically know what trainings are coming up, what he and his company and platoon are working towards, what the options are for upcoming courses, etc. If he knows, he tells me. We both know that things are likely to change, possibly even multiple times, between when he tells me the plan and when the plan actually gets carried out. But knowing what the options are helps keep me from being surprised when a decision gets made at the last minute. When I already know it’s a possibility, I feel prepared for the outcome.

Manage Expectations – When it comes to the military, you have to hope for the best but expect the worst. Hubby says he “should be home early tomorrow”? Don’t count on that being true. Expect him home at the regular time, and it will be a pleasant surprise if he’s home earlier. Otherwise, you’ll be awfully salty when 5 o’clock rolls around and you still haven’t heard when your husband is coming home. Submitting a request for leave? Hope it goes through but expect that it will be denied. This can be tricky, especially when family events are taking place. Do you purchase plane tickets and eat the cost if your husband can’t get off work? Or do you wait until his paperwork is signed and approved when ticket prices are much higher? This is the reality of planning around the Army. It can be frustrating and stressful, but all that is made even worse when your expectations don’t match the reality of military life.

There’s a saying in the Army: no plan survives first contact with the enemy. My dad uses this phrase a lot. According to my historian father, it comes from General Eisenhower. Now that I am an Army wife, I’ve adapted the phrase to be “no plan survives first contact with the Army.” And it may even be more accurate than the original. This year, Michael was slotted to PCS to San Antonio, which would have been amazing. The job at Fort Sam Houston was Michael’s dream enlisted opportunity, and San Antonio was a location I was thrilled to be stationed at. But we both knew that because he was applying for an extremely specialized course, if he got in, we probably wouldn’t PCS. It turned out that even before his application was submitted, we had to delete the orders for San Antonio for him to be eligible for the course. If we’d set our hearts on going to Fort Sam Houston, this would’ve been a devastating blow. But because we understood how the process works, we knew San Antonio was a long shot.

Stay Optimistic – This one might seem a little out of place considering everything I’ve been saying up to now. But the truth is, Army life, no matter how frustrating, has a way of always working its way back to neutral. Some days I wish I didn’t have to deal with last minute plan alterations, frequent separations from my husband, and a complete disregard for any and all logical thinking. Some days I really resent the Army for all the stress it adds to my life. But everything we have right now we have because Michael joined the Army. We have health insurance, a house, two vehicles, three children, and an entire career ahead of us with an almost unheard of level of job security. In 2020, the significance of those things cannot be overstated. So yes, the Army drives up my anxiety levels way more often than I’d like. But it also provides a good life for my family and a fulfilling career for my husband. And when things work out differently than I was hoping, usually there’s something further down the road that neutralizes whatever setback we may have experienced. This advice is coming from a natural pessimist, so please take that for what it’s worth. Things never work out for the worst indefinitely. At some point, everything bounces back.

I’ll give you an example. A little over a year ago, we found out that the course Michael was applying to (which would’ve led to a significant pay increase) wasn’t reviewing applications until three months later than we had been anticipating. At the time, we were thinking about having another baby, but we wanted to wait until we knew he was accepted to this course and our finances were in a better place for raising three kids. Waiting that three extra months to apply ultimately meant waiting another year before getting pregnant again. I was devastated. My heart was heavy to the point of distraction for days. During that time I missed a period, and lo and behold, I was pregnant with Eden! While we were thrilled to be having another baby, I was also terrified we wouldn’t be able to afford a third kid. Obviously things ended up working out—we made some financial sacrifices, Michael got a small pay raise for being in the Army for four years, and the government decided to give everyone $1,200 for locking us up for 6 months. And, best of all, we have our angelic baby girl. If you’d asked me 13 months ago how the Army was treating us, I would’ve answered you from a low point. But now, Michael has been accepted to his course, we have three incredible children, and things have worked out so much better than I could’ve hoped. This process is going to repeat itself many times throughout Michael’s career. So it’s important to remember that what seems like a bad situation now will eventually lead to good things later. No setback the Army throws at you is ever permanent.

Again, I am naturally pessimistic and anxious. I like to plan things out as far in advance as possible. I like the feeling of being in control (who doesn’t?!). Dealing with the back and forth of military life may very well give me an ulcer someday. But this is what my husband and I signed up for, and we’re planning on going the full 20 years. So while it’s always stressful, I’m learning to write my plans in pencil. And so far it’s always worked out for us.

If this post was confusing or difficult to follow, I apologize. Honestly, I had a hard time writing this one in a way that felt coherent 😂 But this is the unfiltered reality of our life in the Army. It’s almost never clear and direct. Consider this messy, convoluted post as an example of what trying to explain the military to civilians feels like. If you’re a military spouse, has your experience been as much of a hot mess as ours? Share your story in the comments!