How to Help Others Help You During TDY and Deployment

Between March of 2021 and March of 2022, my husband spent more than 10 months in training away from home. We were lucky enough to live just 10 minutes away from my parents during that time, which helped tremendously. But even with all the help from family, almost a year without Dad was still a huge challenge for me and my three kids. And in just a few months, we’ll be doing another prolonged separation (this time without the benefit of having family nearby), so I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about what things were the most helpful to us while we were separated from Dad, and how friends and family (both near and far) can help support their military loved ones during separations.

Even when you’re surrounded by an abundance of people who love you and want to be supportive while your spouse is away for work it can be super overwhelming to ask for help. This is especially true in a society that so heavily values individuality, grittiness, and being able to tough it out on your own. The military community bears the burden of those stereotypes. We military spouses think we have to handle this crazy life alone, and a lot of the time we do. So when someone asks if they can help, it’s important to have a plan in place for how to answer them. Without one, you’re likely to just say, “it’s okay, I’m fine” even when you are anything but.

When I say you need to have a plan, here’s what I mean: before your spouse leaves, take some time to think about and write down the things you’re most stressed about and need the most help with. Then come up with solutions for how other people can help you tackle those challenges. Be as specific to your situation, family, and needs as possible. If you’re not sure where to start, I’ve come up with a list of suggestions for how family and friends can help support you when Dad (or Mom) is away. You can use this list as a template to create your own, or you can share this blog post with loved ones and friends if giving them your own list feels too daunting or forward for you. Now when someone says, “I wish there was something I could do,” you can confidently respond with, “actually, there is!”

Okay, let’s dive in!

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How can friends and family who live close by support you when your spouse is gone?

Single parenting is hard no matter how strong your support system is. And while having loved ones who are nearby is always helpful, they may not feel comfortable stepping in to help without your permission, or they may not know how best to offer help for your unique situation. So it’s always important to have a plan in place, even if you have lots of people around to help out. Here are my suggestions for what to ask for when local friends and family offer assistance:

Help with cleaning. A dirty house is a huge anxiety trigger for me. But sometimes finding the time to clean can be difficult when there’s no spouse around to help out! When your local friends and family ask how they can support you while your husband is away, asking them to come help you clean is a good way to avoid the overwhelm and stress of having a dirty house. It may feel a little awkward to ask a friend to come help you clean your house, but it actually can be a lot of fun to clean with a friend! You can watch a favorite TV show together while you fold laundry, catch up with one another over a sink full of dirty dishes, or hang out while you sweep and mop the floors. It’s a great way to kill two birds with one stone as well as turn a dreaded task into something you look forward to.

Help with babysitting. One of the best ways local friends and family members can help out during deployment/TDY is by offering to watch your kids for a couple hours every week. If you can establish a regular day and time for this, that’s even better! This makes it easy to schedule appointments you can’t take your kids to, because you already know what day and time works for your babysitter. Last year, my mom took the kids every Wednesday morning for a few hours, which allowed me to go out and get things done on a predictable schedule. Sometimes I used that time for appointments, and sometimes I just went grocery shopping without the kids in tow or cleaned house without little ones underfoot. And sometimes I just spent some time at home alone, enjoying some me time.

The military community is unique in that it’s one of the only situations in which stay-at-home moms can also be single moms. Almost nowhere else does this exist. Most single moms work, and while that is equally exhausting, it does at least mean having time away from your kids every day. When you’re a single stay-at-home mom, you don’t get that time. And if you’re a homeschooling mom like me? Well, just say good-bye to alone time when your husband is away! So when local friends and family ask how they can help out during deployment or TDY, start by establishing a babysitting schedule!

Help with meals. It’s hard to overstate how much of a relief it is to know that there’s one day a week when you don’t have to worry about what’s for dinner. This last year, I knew that every Sunday the kids and I would head over to my parent’s house for dinner. This not only saved me from having to cook on Sundays, but also gave my kids a chance to hang out with family (which meant a little bit of a break for me).

If friends or family ask how they can help out while your husband is away, ask them to bring by a meal once a week or once a month. Maybe pick a day when you can come over for dinner on a regular basis so that you get both a break from cooking and a change of pace. If you have picky eaters, you can ask willing friends and family to drop off a frozen pizza or a package of dino nuggets. Even something as simple as that helps out a lot when you’re single parenting.

Help entertaining the kids. Kids need a break from their routines, too. A change of scenery does them a lot of good, whether it’s a park playdate, a nature walk, or time at a friend’s house. Everyone needs to have something to look forward to regularly, but when you’re a single parent it’s overwhelming to be the one doing all the planning. A great way your local friends and family can help out is to take over and plan a regular activity or playdate so you don’t have to worry about it.

Help with school and extracurricular activities. One of the most time-consuming jobs of parenting is being a chauffer to every lesson, activity, doctor’s appointment, playdate, birthday party, etc. that your kids take part in. Friends and family can help out so much by offering to pick up or drop off your kids one day a week from school or an extracurricular activity. Just be sure that whoever is picking up/dropping off your kid is known to the instructor or teacher as an approved pickup person/emergency contact. A lot of organizations will not allow anyone but Mom or Dad to pick up a kid without express permission.

Help with self-care. When you’re a single parent, your personal needs get placed on the backburner. Knowing that someone else is thinking about you and your needs means so much. While helping out with the kids makes a huge difference, sometimes Mom needs a night out and something fun to look forward to, too! Local friends and family can help meet your specific needs by planning regular girls’ nights, taking you out for lunch without the kids, going to get manicures with you, or watching your kids while you get a haircut, go to the gym, or walk through Home Goods alone for an hour. If there is something you know helps fill your personal cup, don’t hesitate to ask someone to help you make time to do that thing.

How can friends and family who live far away support you when your spouse is gone?

It’s always great when you get to live next to family and friends while your spouse is away. But let’s face it, the majority of the time you’ll be stationed far from family and you may have few friends and no real support system to help out. What can family and friends from back home or even previous duty stations do to help you survive deployments and TDYs? The good news is that we live in a globalized world with the internet, modern technology, and DoorDash. So it’s never been easier for people who don’t live close to you to help out! Here are some suggestions for ways people far away can help you feel cared for, in spite of distance. (Just as a disclaimer, most of these suggestions are monetary in nature since distance makes it difficult to offer help in many other ways.)

Help with meals. It’s 2022, and that means that having food delivered has never been easier. Friends and family who don’t live nearby can still offer to have food sent to you once a week/month via DoorDash, GrubHub, UberEats, or any number of other food delivery services. This doesn’t have to be expensive or fancy. Even Little Caesar’s can be delivered. But helping out with meals is both a financial and emotional weight lifted off your single mom shoulders. So if people want to support you during a military separation, an easy thing to ask for is a regular meal delivery.

Help with babysitting. Once upon a time, if you didn’t live close to friends and family you were completely on your own to find a babysitter. But now, there are websites like Care.com that make it possible to find local babysitters from anywhere. Friends and family can search for, schedule, and pay for a babysitter all through the website. If you’re not comfortable having your kids watched by someone you haven’t met, you can also ask friends and family to help with babysitting by sending money via PayPal/Venmo/your bank once a month so you can pick and schedule your own babysitter. But having a dedicated babysitting allowance is, yet again, a huge financial and emotional help for a single mom. Bonus points if that babysitter is watching your kids so you can go out and do something fun once in a while!

Help with cleaning. Your friend in a different state may not be able to come hang out with you while you dust your house, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help you with cleaning. Paying for a professional cleaner is a great gift idea for Mother’s Day, your birthday, or Christmas. It’s both helpful and thoughtful and it can be a big stress reliever. So if friends or family members want to help you out from a distance, maybe ask for help paying someone else to clean your house.

Help with groceries. Dragging a passel of kids through the grocery store is stressful and exhausting. And especially in a post-Covid 19 world, there are times when making a grocery run for necessities like medicine without a healthy family member around to help can be next to impossible. Knowing you can order groceries and have them delivered for free is such a huge relief! If a friend or family member wants to help out while your spouse is away, you can ask them to pay for a grocery delivery subscription like Walmart+ or InstaCart so you don’t have to tote kids to and from the grocery store.

Send a pick-me-up/care package. Everyone likes to feel appreciated, and a surprise care package can instantly lift spirits on even the worst of days. One way friends and family can help you through a long separation is by periodically sending surprises for you and the kids. I personally recommend providing a list of items that will bring you and the kids joy to anyone who may want to help out this way. Pick things that are inexpensive but will last. Some ideas for kids include:

• Crayons/markers/colored pencils
• Stickers
• Coloring/sticker books
• Card games
• Action figures
• Candy/treats (in moderation)

And for Mom, try:

• Face masks
• Nail polish
• Teas or drink mixes
• Candles
• Chocolate
• Gift cards

Host a monthly virtual girl’s night. Modern technology is an amazing thing. And after two years of Zoom meetings, everyone is used to virtual interaction. Just because you live far apart doesn’t mean you and your friends can’t stay connected. If you can’t go out with local friends, you can host a watch party and enjoy a chick-flick or other favorite movie together with your friends virtually. You can play an online game together. You can have a monthly virtual book club. Or you can just hang out on Zoom/Skype/FaceTime and catch up while you enjoy some self-care (like doing your nails or trying a new face mask). Connecting with friends is important, especially if you don’t have a strong local support system.

Be pen pals. Kids love to get mail, and having a friend or family member in a different state to write back and forth with can give them something to look forward to as well as a place to express what they’re feeling and experiencing while Dad is away. But don’t underestimate the power of having a pen pal in your life, either! Writing letters, emailing, or texting with a friend or loved one can be a really positive outlet while you’re having to do everything solo. Especially if you’re using traditional snail mail, writing to a friend requires you to slow down and really think about what you want to share and express about your situation and emotions. It can be really therapeutic.

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I know a lot of family members and friends of military spouses frequently feel powerless to help during TDY and deployment separations. But it doesn’t have to be that way! We live in a world where it is easier than ever to support someone, no matter how close or far away they may be. Being prepared to answer the “how can I help?” question is the best thing you can do to help your friends and family feel involved while also ensuring your needs are met. While I hope the list of suggestions I provided is helpful, it’s important to be as specific for your situation and needs as possible. Your family may have food allergies, and having someone bring you food could cause more anxiety rather than less. So instead, ask people for gift cards to your favorite restaurants, or provide a list of groceries that are helpful to be dropped off any time. It’s tempting to accept help however it’s offered, even if it doesn’t actually feel helpful to you, because you don’t want to seem ungrateful or offend the person offering you assistance. But you know what you need best! Don’t hesitate to steer people in a new direction if they offer to help out in a way that doesn’t actually provide you with what you need.

In what ways have your loved ones helped you while your spouse has been gone? I’d love to hear any additional recommendations for how friends and family can support military spouses when their husbands are away!