5 Tips for Surviving Deployment During the Holidays

It’s the most wonderful time of the year!

…Unless your husband is deployed.

When you’re facing the holidays alone, all the festivities feel, at best, somewhat hollow. At worst they are a painful reminder of the loneliness and isolation you experience when you’re separated from the person you love the most. While this time of year is meant to be a time of joy, thanksgiving, and peace, it can also be a hectic time as you juggle holiday events and obligations with your everyday schedule and responsibilities. Even with a partner around it can be stressful. Alone, it is overwhelming.

This is our family’s second holiday season in a row spent apart from our soldier. But it is the first time in seven years of Army service that Michael will be gone on Christmas itself. I’m homeschooling. I’m solo parenting four kids under age seven, the youngest just three months old. I’m averaging four hours of sleep a night. I’m exhausted, stressed, and lonely. And despite my best efforts to create holiday magic for my kiddos, I’m struggling to feel even an ounce of Christmas spirit this year. I feel like a quintessential Grinch, wishing I could just skip right straight through Christmas altogether.

As I’ve battled these Scrooge-like emotions, I’ve had to adjust my expectations for this holiday season substantially. It hasn’t eliminated my struggles, but it’s helping me get through a time that otherwise would leave me drowning. I’ve come up with five suggestions, which I’ve been implementing in my own life, for getting through the holidays when your spouse is deployed. Hopefully they can help you find the emotional bandwidth to find joy during this season.

1. Simplify. This time of year gets so complicated so fast. It’s easy to be swept up in all the business and completely lose the joy, especially when there’s no one around to help carry the load. My first recommendation for surviving the holidays when you’re on your own is to simplify. Only focus on what really matters. Pick your absolute favorite traditions and cut out anything superfluous. When all the holiday party invitations start going out, attend only the ones that you have the strongest connection to (in our case, we only attended one, and it was for Psalm’s dance class. It was the one she cared the most about, as well as the one that conflicted with the fewest other obligations). Cutting back on your to-do list will allow you to feel more present during the activities you do participate in. When you’re already pulling double duty, less is more when it comes to the holidays. So give yourself permission to say no, to cut out traditions and obligations that cause more stress than joy, and to spend more time watching Christmas movies and less time running around. Also, buy yourself some paper plates and plastic utensils. On days when you have holiday parties, recitals, or events to be at the last thing you need is to come home to a dirty kitchen. Make more time in your schedule for things unique to the season, like wrapping presents, by cutting back on the time you spend washing dishes.
2. Spend time with friends and family. Just because your spouse is gone doesn’t mean you have to be alone. Spend the holidays with family if you can. But if they live too far away, travel isn’t feasible, or if being with your family isn’t going to improve your situation, then get together with friends to celebrate the holidays. One of the things that is uniquely great about the military community is the strong, family-like bonds you form with friends as you go through hard times together. While a Friendsgiving may not be exactly the same as your family Thanksgiving celebrations, it’s so much better than being alone. And yes, Christmas morning may look different if you celebrate it with friends rather than family, but having someone to share the festivities with both reduces the stress and increases the fun. Holidays aren’t meant to be spent by yourself. Find people who will help you feel the holiday spirit and spend your time with them.
3. Include your service member in the festivities. One of the hardest parts of being separated during the holidays is knowing that your loved one is having a crappy holiday experience. Thanksgiving dinner in a mess tent isn’t exactly the same as a home cooked meal with all their favorite foods, is it? You may not be able to provide the best possible holiday experience for your service member, but you can do several things to help improve their morale. Here are a few suggestions for including your loved one in the festivities.
   • Send care packages with decorations, lights, holiday treats, cards, etc.
   • If you have specific traditions they love, try to continue them long distance. Our family decorates gingerbread houses every year, so I sent a gingerbread house kit for my husband to put together to help him feel like he is a part of the family tradition, even though he’s far away.
   • Take lots of video and pictures so your loved one feels included in what you’re doing. Record your kids singing carols, decorating cookies, opening presents, etc. Your service member will love seeing them.
   • Video call when you can and if you have decent connection. If videos calls aren’t effective, have your kids send personalized video messages to your spouse on holidays. You can just send them via text, or use an app like Marco Polo.
4. Give yourself permission to grieve. Missing your spouse when they’re deployed is a kind of grieving. You may not have lost them permanently, but you have lost them for a time, and you are sacrificing memories and time together that, under different circumstances, you wouldn’t have to give up. It’s okay to feel sad and angry about that. It’s normal to resent the military and the deployment, especially during the holidays when the separation feels even more painful. Instead of trying to deny what you’re experiencing, give yourself time and space to grieve. It’s not good to dwell in your negative emotions all the time, but suppressing them doesn’t do you any favors, either. When you’re feeling down, allow yourself to feel your emotions uninhibited. Acknowledge your struggles. Validate your experiences. Remind yourself that it’s possible to feel both grief and joy at the same time, and you’re not a worse parent or an unfeeling spouse because you’re experiencing both emotions. Then move back into your daily life with as much positivity as you can muster. You may need to stop and grieve often, and that’s okay! Understanding that your feelings of grief are real, rather than feeling guilty for mourning your loss, will help you step back into a positive space faster and more frequently.
5. Spend less time on social media and avoid comparison. It can be painfully hard to watch other families having what feels like the perfect Christmas in comparison to yours. While everyone else is posting family photos, going on family vacations, and spending extra time with their loved ones, you’re solo parenting, missing your spouse, and struggling to feel the magic and joy of the season. You can’t change your circumstances, or anyone else’s. But you can spend less time on social media, comparing your situation to other people’s. The less you dwell on what other people have and are doing, the more time you can focus on counting your own blessings. Comparison is the thief of joy. Don’t be your own joy thief by spending your time comparing your less-than-ideal Christmas to all the people who seem to be having perfect holidays.

This time of year is difficult for so many people. Whether it’s because they are lonely, mourning the loss of a loved one, or adjusting to other difficult changes in their life, there are lots of reasons a person may feel overwhelmed and sad during what ought to be the most wonderful time of the year. All of those reasons apply to someone whose spouse is deployed. Don’t feel guilty about struggling to feel the holiday spirit and cheer that others are coming by naturally. You’re going through something hard, and it’s normal to struggle. But you also don’t have to consign yourself to being miserable. Simplify during a time that is begging to be complex. Spend as much of your time as possible with people who love you. Find fun ways to include your deployed loved one in your celebrations. Validate and make space for the grief you’re experiencing. And avoid comparison to other people’s holiday festivities by staying off of social media when possible. Hopefully these tips help make an extremely tough experience a little bit more manageable. You’ve got this!

Happy Holidays!