5 Lessons Learned From 5 Years in the Army – Part 3

2018 – Building a community

The third main lesson I’ve learned from being in the military these last five years has to do with the temporary nature of Army life. This is one of the most unique struggles that military families face. We move so frequently, it’s nearly impossible to put down roots. In today’s world, people tend to go where the jobs are rather than living in the same place their entire lives. But unlike most people, military families typically move every 2-3 years (and sometimes more frequently than that), which over the course of a 20-year career adds up fast.

Once we finished DLI, we moved to our first “official” duty station. For the first time since joining the Army we had the opportunity to establish ourselves a little. We bought a house, joined a church community, and enrolled the kids in activities and classes. Military communities tend to be extremely transient. People come and go frequently and making friends can seem really daunting when you never know how long you or they will be around for. It’s also exhausting, having to start over again and again.

I am an introvert by nature. I love being with friends but meeting new people or interacting with people I am only marginally acquainted with is draining for me. Working up the energy and courage to go to social events takes a great deal of effort. If I don’t have a strong support network when Michael is gone, I tend to shut down, not go out, and interact very little with others. When he is home, he will often force me (lovingly, of course) to go out and be with people. But when left to my own devices, I rarely attempt it.

I go through several stages whenever we move. When we first arrive somewhere, I am eager to meet new people and establish ourselves. But then I quickly am worn out by the effort, and I start to feel discouraged. After a few weeks or months, I become extremely lonely and depressed and wonder if I’ll ever make meaningful friendships. That’s typically when Michael starts to intervene on my behalf and forces me to go out and be social. After a while, I establish some positive relationships, and things begin to improve. Eventually, though, one or both of us must move on and the process begins again.

Don’t be like me, guys. Be better than me.

If you’re an extrovert, frequently making new friends and having to put yourself out there may not feel like a challenge. But if you struggle like I do, know that you don’t have to step completely out of your comfort zone to make friends. If going out scares you, invite people to come to you for game nights, movie nights, dinner, dessert, or just to hang out. The internet is a great way to form relationships, but don’t hide yourself behind a screen. Reach out and invite people into a setting that you can control and prepare for. Now, you’ll likely have to go out a little bit first so you can meet people you’re interested in getting to know better. If that’s intimidating to you, establish a rule that you don’t have to stay anywhere if you’re not enjoying yourself for more than an hour. You can dedicate an hour to trying to be social.

Once you make friends, build times to be together into your schedule. Have a weekly brunch date, or a regular play date for your kids. Establishing a routine both gives you a commitment (which is important when you’re an introvert and you have to force yourself out into public) and simultaneously relieves the stress of having to plan something last minute. Another perk of scheduled outings and get-togethers like this is that when you meet someone new and you want to get to know them better, you already have something to invite them to. Personally, exchanging phone numbers and saying, “Let’s hang out sometime!” is way more intimidating to me than, “My friends and I do brunch every Thursday. You should join us!”

Community is so crucial when you’re an Army spouse. It helps you find babysitters for your kids when you’re acting as a single parent. It gives you someone to commiserate with when military life is getting you down. It provides you with a cheerleader for your successes and a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong—which they inevitably do. So even if it’s only for a year or two, and even if it’s hard, make the friendships. Build the relationships. Create a community. You need it, your kids need it, and the people you befriend need it, too.

How do you make friends and build your personal village when you get to a new location?